Kamazar
09-16-2009, 08:43 PM
In honor of Kanye, Joe Wilson, and what will henceforth be known as Crazy Outburst Month, I have compiled a few of the best rant sites the internet has to offer. Because a crazy person who knows HTML isn't just a crazy person anymore; he's also a...nope, still just a crazy person.
TimeCube.com
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Unintelligible Fury
There appears to be no cohesive thread of arguement or purpose guiding the content of this site, yet that fact in no way lessens the author's forceful tone. Rightly so. Any true ranter will tell you that the key to a good outburt is just to start yelling; the point will figure itself out. Or not. Doesn't really matter.
2. The Aesthetic Effort
Even though the site's central arguement makes no sense, that does not mean it shouldn't look snazzy. Fluctuating font size and color are basic enough must-haves, but it is the added effort of having a warped graphing paper background that really ties the site together. Without those extra 5 minutes of HTML study, no one would take this site seriously.
3. The TLDNR Factor
This is a requisite for all rant sites. When you go to the page, your web browser's scroll bar must shrink to a speck. That's a given. But on this site, once you make it to the bottom of the most extensive chunk of crazy you've ever seen, you are met with a perfectly oblivious "Next Page" option. Bravo, TimeCube. Bravo.
www.downwithpinatas.com (DownWithPinatas.com)
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Apparent Normalcy
There is nothing noticeably crazy about the tone of this site. It is sincere and articulate when discussing the horrifying dangers of Pinatas. What's so crazy about that? It's an entire site dedicated to discussing the horrifying dangers of Pinatas.
2. The Not-So-Subtle Racism
No war on Pinatas would be complete without a few anti-Mexican jibes. Afterall, the two go hand in violence-spreading hand. What makes this site's racism so delightful, is that the author goes out of his way to explain why he's not racist and does so in an extremely racist way: "I want to be clear that this has nothing to do with the people of Mexico. Yes, they are largely a violent society, with the pinatas, the bull fights, the criminals coming across our borders and what not. But for the most part they seem to be hard workers -- they mow our yards, clean our houses and pick up our trash."
3. The Collection of Statistics
A good arguement needs good statistics to back it up. Did you know that "Over 75% of violent offenders in the California prison system have actively participated in the bashing of a pinata?" I rest my case.
4. The Publicity Effort
I was introduced to this site because it was once the sponsored link at the top of my Gmail inbox. We can learn two things from that: first, the owner of DownWithPinatas.com is paying for Google ad space. Second, I once wrote an email about Pinatas.
Hybrid-rpg.blogspot.com
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Caps Lock Rule
HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOUR MESSAGE IS IF IT'S NOT IN ALL CAPS? Answer: they won't. Don't risk letting your message get buried under the individuality-crushing contraints of "grammar."
2. The Rules Rule
The crazier you are, the more likely you are to invent rules. This entire site is, in theory, a list of rules. Internet lore holds that these rules were started under the pretense of creating a role-playing game, but if that's the case, the only role he's playing is that of a crazy person.
3. The Anti-Female Attitude
Simply put: "RULE # 71: Feminism, Pandora's Box, is the result or side effect ofgiving away too much rights & powers to women by foolish men &corrupt politicians and western religious fanatics in USA & other Christian nations." Less simply put: "RULE # 73: IN THIS RULE TO CONVERT A HUMAN FEMALE TO A TIMELORD ADD 10C1 DP POINTS TO HER HUMAN C1 DP POINTS. SO, IF HER HUMAN FORM BE @ 20C1 DP, THEN ADD 10 C1 DP POINTS, RAISING HER C# TO 30 C1 DP: TO MAKE FEMALES IS COMPLICATED IN MY TRI-STAT RPG, BECAUSE TO MAKE FEMALES REQUIRES USE OF POLITICALLY INCORRECT MATH." When uncontrollable sexism still isn't the biggest obstacle in your way of ever getting a girlfriend, that's when you know you really belong on the internet.
Special thanks to James Embry for his awesome web finds.
TimeCube.com
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Unintelligible Fury
There appears to be no cohesive thread of arguement or purpose guiding the content of this site, yet that fact in no way lessens the author's forceful tone. Rightly so. Any true ranter will tell you that the key to a good outburt is just to start yelling; the point will figure itself out. Or not. Doesn't really matter.
2. The Aesthetic Effort
Even though the site's central arguement makes no sense, that does not mean it shouldn't look snazzy. Fluctuating font size and color are basic enough must-haves, but it is the added effort of having a warped graphing paper background that really ties the site together. Without those extra 5 minutes of HTML study, no one would take this site seriously.
3. The TLDNR Factor
This is a requisite for all rant sites. When you go to the page, your web browser's scroll bar must shrink to a speck. That's a given. But on this site, once you make it to the bottom of the most extensive chunk of crazy you've ever seen, you are met with a perfectly oblivious "Next Page" option. Bravo, TimeCube. Bravo.
www.downwithpinatas.com (DownWithPinatas.com)
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Apparent Normalcy
There is nothing noticeably crazy about the tone of this site. It is sincere and articulate when discussing the horrifying dangers of Pinatas. What's so crazy about that? It's an entire site dedicated to discussing the horrifying dangers of Pinatas.
2. The Not-So-Subtle Racism
No war on Pinatas would be complete without a few anti-Mexican jibes. Afterall, the two go hand in violence-spreading hand. What makes this site's racism so delightful, is that the author goes out of his way to explain why he's not racist and does so in an extremely racist way: "I want to be clear that this has nothing to do with the people of Mexico. Yes, they are largely a violent society, with the pinatas, the bull fights, the criminals coming across our borders and what not. But for the most part they seem to be hard workers -- they mow our yards, clean our houses and pick up our trash."
3. The Collection of Statistics
A good arguement needs good statistics to back it up. Did you know that "Over 75% of violent offenders in the California prison system have actively participated in the bashing of a pinata?" I rest my case.
4. The Publicity Effort
I was introduced to this site because it was once the sponsored link at the top of my Gmail inbox. We can learn two things from that: first, the owner of DownWithPinatas.com is paying for Google ad space. Second, I once wrote an email about Pinatas.
Hybrid-rpg.blogspot.com
What makes this site so perfect:
1. The Caps Lock Rule
HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOUR MESSAGE IS IF IT'S NOT IN ALL CAPS? Answer: they won't. Don't risk letting your message get buried under the individuality-crushing contraints of "grammar."
2. The Rules Rule
The crazier you are, the more likely you are to invent rules. This entire site is, in theory, a list of rules. Internet lore holds that these rules were started under the pretense of creating a role-playing game, but if that's the case, the only role he's playing is that of a crazy person.
3. The Anti-Female Attitude
Simply put: "RULE # 71: Feminism, Pandora's Box, is the result or side effect ofgiving away too much rights & powers to women by foolish men &corrupt politicians and western religious fanatics in USA & other Christian nations." Less simply put: "RULE # 73: IN THIS RULE TO CONVERT A HUMAN FEMALE TO A TIMELORD ADD 10C1 DP POINTS TO HER HUMAN C1 DP POINTS. SO, IF HER HUMAN FORM BE @ 20C1 DP, THEN ADD 10 C1 DP POINTS, RAISING HER C# TO 30 C1 DP: TO MAKE FEMALES IS COMPLICATED IN MY TRI-STAT RPG, BECAUSE TO MAKE FEMALES REQUIRES USE OF POLITICALLY INCORRECT MATH." When uncontrollable sexism still isn't the biggest obstacle in your way of ever getting a girlfriend, that's when you know you really belong on the internet.
Special thanks to James Embry for his awesome web finds.