Please review my App Store description...

Discussion in 'Public Game Developers Forum' started by Red1, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. Red1

    Red1 Moderator
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    If you have an App Store description for a game or application and would like to have it reviewed by other TA members, post it in this thread.

    For example, perhaps English is not your first language or maybe you've written something you like, but would appreciate some feedback. Or perhaps you're just a geeky programmer with no writing skills!

    Please don't use this thread to advertise games. Only post if you have a genuine desire to get feedback on your App Store description.

    Hope this thread is helpful for someone.
     
  2. rikschennink

    rikschennink Well-Known Member

    Oct 12, 2011
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    Great idea!

    I am wondering if the description of my app is inviting enough? I have copied the description below. On the appstore I have added some review scores underneath and a feature list.

     
  3. Red1

    Red1 Moderator
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    Feedback:
    - Opening with an "unknown event" feels like a weak opening.
    - You can probably say the same thing more concisely.

    Can you save the human race? The incoming asteroids must be deflected or destroyed, with a limited supply of missiles. Use the advanced touch-based defense system to target them wisely, because explosions cause panic and slow the evacuation process.

    Protect Earth. Save Humanity.

    FEATURES:
    xxxxx
    xxxxx
    xxxxx
     
  4. Kyena

    Kyena Active Member

    When it comes to your description. Keep in mind that people don't really ready everything. They skim. The most of the time only read the first few sentences (in iTunes you get the fold and the ..more link after 3 breaks for example. So you want to convince them in the first sentence of your description).

    Make sure important information (why is your game/app different, what is special) is in the first area.

    Great example by Red :)
     
  5. mancinism

    mancinism Active Member

    Oct 10, 2011
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    Thanks for offering. Perhaps can help me improve this one.

     
  6. rikschennink

    rikschennink Well-Known Member

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    Thanks great feedback, I'm gonna look into it! :)
     
  7. Blackharon

    Blackharon Well-Known Member

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    Pickpawcket is a puzzle game with 80 levels. Our description says something to that extent.

    We have an iTunes review saying "The description was misleading because I didn't realize it was a series of mini games much like Angry Birds or Cut the Rope."

    How would you go about saying that? I figured 80 levels and puzzle were enough.
     
  8. Alistair Aitcheson

    Alistair Aitcheson Well-Known Member

    Jan 30, 2011
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    Here's a really good article that I found via GamesBrief, that offers tips for writing App Store copy. Lots of good advice here.

    http://fbindie.posterous.com/describe-your-game-better-hook-more-players-m

    It suggests this structure for a successful app store description
    I think all of the above copies would benefit from sounding more active. For example, mancinism, I would recommend changing your first paragraph to something like:

    Put all your verbs in the imperative so you're telling customers to play. The last sentence offers them some kind of challenge.

    It would probably benefit from a punchy strapline right at the beginning. I use "Head-to-head puzzle pandemonium!" to open Greedy Bankers vs The World, to sum up the vibe of the game in a simple sentence. Is there a core USP to your game that makes it stand out?

    I'd also say "there are only four control styles" sounds needlessly apologetic. And without having played the game I have no idea what they mean.

    I hope this helps :) How do people feel about quoting reviews and awards in the App description? At the moment I open with my two largest awards (Eurogamer Indie Arcade Finalist and Tap! Magazine Game of the Week), but I don't know if it would be better to open with the catchy strapline and save those for later on in the copy.
     
  9. rikschennink

    rikschennink Well-Known Member

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    Based on the tips above (thanks!) I have now rewritten this:

    to this:

    I think it's a lot better already. :)
     
  10. NinjaPlanetStudios

    Aug 23, 2011
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    much better dude, nice job!
     
  11. Alistair Aitcheson

    Alistair Aitcheson Well-Known Member

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    Sounds great - really energetic and punchy! :)
     
  12. spongeforge

    spongeforge Well-Known Member

    Nov 1, 2011
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  13. spongeforge

    spongeforge Well-Known Member

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    #13 spongeforge, Nov 18, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011
    I could need some help too. ;-)

    This is my description. I decided to start with quoting the press.
    Do you think it is a good idea?

    Moreover, I have the problem that the description has to be appealing for Instagramers, but also to other people which might have no idea what Instagram is.

     
  14. rikschennink

    rikschennink Well-Known Member

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    "This is by far the most clever use of Instagram." -- Sean Capelle, AppAdvice

    The first questions that came to mind was, "What is -this-". Thinking from a customer perspective I might wonder how clever use of Instagram is a reason for me buying the app.

    "Even if you don't have an Instagram account, you'll nevertheless have fun with this game."

    I think you might have to switch this around, tell the customer that he or she is getting an awesome collection of memory games and on top of that is able to generate an infinite amount of memory collections from the instagram database. Maybe even brag a little about how your app does this generation thingy?

    For the record I have been using Instagram for a while now.
     
  15. lena

    lena Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I agree. I don't use instagram and when an AppStore description begins with "the most clever use of instagram" I assume it is something not for me, and I don't even read any further. You should have something in the first few sentences that explains why this is a great concentration game. You could still start with the reviews, but then I would try to find quotes that are a bit more specific as to why this is such a great game.
     
  16. Red1

    Red1 Moderator
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    #16 Red1, Nov 18, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2011
    Notes:

    - The word "simple" implies it's a pretty basic game; maybe something that wasn't too hard to create, or perhaps something that's easy to play. I'm not sure that people seek out "simple games", so there may be a more exciting and appealing word to use.

    - I wouldn't explain the control motions in such detail, because there's more sexy features that should be mentioned first, like the power-ups. Again, people don't think "hmmm, I really want a game with move-up, move-down, etc." It's better to list the things people want.

    - Avoid listing the rules of the game. This is a sale pitch. You can put the rules in the game and on a website.

    Quick draft:
    Perhaps something like this:

    Panic Block II is a horizontal match-3 puzzle game, but you can only form matches in the middle row! Acquire power-up's like time freeze or lazer-beam to destroy incoming blocks. Play Classic mode for points, or compete against the clock in Action mode! Clear the colorful blocks, but don't PANIC!

    Features:
    - Two game modes: Arcade & Action!
    - Universal
    - Power-ups, like: xxx,xxx and xxx.
    - Skill based game-play.
    - Whatever...
     
  17. spongeforge

    spongeforge Well-Known Member

    Nov 1, 2011
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    @rikschennink, @lena: thanks for your feedback!
    I tried to rewrite, what do you think now?

     
  18. bazookaBen

    bazookaBen Active Member

    Sep 18, 2011
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    i try to build social proof in the first line:

    "Voted most promising game by [INSERT NAME OF IOS REVIEW SITE]"

    and then drill down to the features:

    20 levels
    2 gameplay modes
    25 awesome weapons
    20 hours of gameplay

    and finally a 3 sentence description of the game

    Puzzlerr is for the puzzle maniac ONLY! Jump over blocks to get points, but beware of lurking dangers. Score 3 jumps in a row and win a jackpot! Are you tough enough to be the King of Puzzlers?
     
  19. lena

    lena Well-Known Member

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    Better! I hope someone who is good in English will offer you more suggestions. I like that you draw attention to the fact that you can play with 4 people on 1 iPad.
     

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