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Please review my App Store description...

11-12-2011, 05:49 PM
#1
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,832
Please review my App Store description...

If you have an App Store description for a game or application and would like to have it reviewed by other TA members, post it in this thread.

For example, perhaps English is not your first language or maybe you've written something you like, but would appreciate some feedback. Or perhaps you're just a geeky programmer with no writing skills!

Please don't use this thread to advertise games. Only post if you have a genuine desire to get feedback on your App Store description.

Hope this thread is helpful for someone.

řƹȡ1
11-13-2011, 06:37 AM
#2
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 127
Great idea!

I am wondering if the description of my app is inviting enough? I have copied the description below. On the appstore I have added some review scores underneath and a feature list.

Quote:
An unknown event has disturbed the fragile balance of the asteroid belt, multiple asteroids are now on collision course with earth. While the asteroids move closer, the cause of the disturbance remains shrouded in mystery. The only thing we can do is evacuate as many people as possible in the time we have left.

You will have to stretch mankind's final hours by deflecting and destroying incoming asteroids using an unlimited supply of missiles. Target them wisely because the more missiles explode the more panic you cause and the slower the evacuation progresses.

Check out my iOS game Eve of Impact and / or follow me on Twitter ;-)

11-14-2011, 06:32 AM
#3
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,832
Quote:
Originally Posted by rikschennink View Post
An unknown event has disturbed the fragile balance of the asteroid belt, multiple asteroids are now on collision course with earth. While the asteroids move closer, the cause of the disturbance remains shrouded in mystery. The only thing we can do is evacuate as many people as possible in the time we have left.

You will have to stretch mankind's final hours by deflecting and destroying incoming asteroids using an unlimited supply of missiles. Target them wisely because the more missiles explode the more panic you cause and the slower the evacuation progresses.
Feedback:
- Opening with an "unknown event" feels like a weak opening.
- You can probably say the same thing more concisely.

Can you save the human race? The incoming asteroids must be deflected or destroyed, with a limited supply of missiles. Use the advanced touch-based defense system to target them wisely, because explosions cause panic and slow the evacuation process.

Protect Earth. Save Humanity.

FEATURES:
xxxxx
xxxxx
xxxxx

řƹȡ1
11-14-2011, 07:15 AM
#4
When it comes to your description. Keep in mind that people don't really ready everything. They skim. The most of the time only read the first few sentences (in iTunes you get the fold and the ..more link after 3 breaks for example. So you want to convince them in the first sentence of your description).

Make sure important information (why is your game/app different, what is special) is in the first area.

Great example by Red

Natascha "Kyena" Roosli - Rock Pocket Games
Facebook - Twitter - Oliver&Spike
11-14-2011, 09:13 AM
#5
Thanks for offering. Perhaps can help me improve this one.

Quote:
Panic Block II is a simple puzzle game by moving the blocks vertically or horizontally to match the color in the middle row. The blocks are in five different colors. When three or more blocks are matched, it is removed from the board.


There are only four control motion in Panic Block II: move-up, move-down, rotate-left, and rotate-right. However, horizontal rotation is only applicable to middle row!


The game can be played in two modes:
# Classic Mode
The game is played in marathon mode, score as high as you can. The rate of new block is increased as you reach higher game level. The game ends when the board is over flooded with blocks.

A token is awarded for a 5-block matched during the game. The tokens can be used to purchase Power Items to enhance gameplay. Example of Power items:
- Time Stop: Stop new blocks dropping for certain period of time
- Laserbeam: Remove the whole column on the board

#Action Mode
In action mode, try to destroy the blocks as fast as possible. There are two way to level up the game, either to complete the progress bar or defense the game for the full time bar.

The game ends when the progress bar reach zero, in which the progress bar will reduce over time and the speed is increased with Game Level.
11-14-2011, 12:45 PM
#6
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red1 View Post
Feedback:
- Opening with an "unknown event" feels like a weak opening.
- You can probably say the same thing more concisely.

Can you save the human race? The incoming asteroids must be deflected or destroyed, with a limited supply of missiles. Use the advanced touch-based defense system to target them wisely, because explosions cause panic and slow the evacuation process.

Protect Earth. Save Humanity.

FEATURES:
xxxxx
xxxxx
xxxxx
Thanks great feedback, I'm gonna look into it! :-)

Check out my iOS game Eve of Impact and / or follow me on Twitter ;-)
11-15-2011, 10:06 AM
#7
Pickpawcket is a puzzle game with 80 levels. Our description says something to that extent.

We have an iTunes review saying "The description was misleading because I didn't realize it was a series of mini games much like Angry Birds or Cut the Rope."

How would you go about saying that? I figured 80 levels and puzzle were enough.

Looking for a writer? PM me

Game Designer of:
Family Feud Matches Gaming with a side of Matchmaking!
Family Feud 2 My First Huge Apple Feature!
Pickpawcket
And more!
11-16-2011, 08:17 AM
#8
Here's a really good article that I found via GamesBrief, that offers tips for writing App Store copy. Lots of good advice here.

http://fbindie.posterous.com/describ...more-players-m

It suggests this structure for a successful app store description
Quote:
  • one sentence to sum up the game;
  • up to five sentences describing it;
  • the “snapper” that closes the deal and hooks the player;
  • and a list of features the persuade the uncertain.
I think all of the above copies would benefit from sounding more active. For example, mancinism, I would recommend changing your first paragraph to something like:

Quote:
Move the blocks vertically or horizontally. Match three or more to remove them from the board! Can you match five to earn an elusive Power Coin?
Put all your verbs in the imperative so you're telling customers to play. The last sentence offers them some kind of challenge.

It would probably benefit from a punchy strapline right at the beginning. I use "Head-to-head puzzle pandemonium!" to open Greedy Bankers vs The World, to sum up the vibe of the game in a simple sentence. Is there a core USP to your game that makes it stand out?

I'd also say "there are only four control styles" sounds needlessly apologetic. And without having played the game I have no idea what they mean.

I hope this helps How do people feel about quoting reviews and awards in the App description? At the moment I open with my two largest awards (Eurogamer Indie Arcade Finalist and Tap! Magazine Game of the Week), but I don't know if it would be better to open with the catchy strapline and save those for later on in the copy.
11-16-2011, 03:53 PM
#9
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Netherlands
Posts: 127
Based on the tips above (thanks!) I have now rewritten this:

Quote:
An unknown event has disturbed the fragile balance of the asteroid belt, multiple asteroids are now on collision course with earth. While the asteroids move closer, the cause of the disturbance remains shrouded in mystery. The only thing we can do is evacuate as many people as possible in the time we have left.

You will have to stretch mankind's final hours by deflecting and destroying incoming asteroids using an unlimited supply of missiles. Target them wisely because the more missiles explode the more panic you cause and the slower the evacuation progresses.
to this:

Quote:
Blast away at an increasing barrage of asteroids to protect earth from destruction!

Tap your screen to fire missiles at incoming asteroids, watch the immense explosions push away or shatter their targets. Aim carefully because the more missiles explode the more panic is caused and the slower earth's evacuation progresses. The moment you can no longer hold of the barrage of asteroids you witness the end of earth as it has never been shown in any mobile game.

Can you hold of the asteroids long enough, giving mankind a chance to survive?
I think it's a lot better already.

Check out my iOS game Eve of Impact and / or follow me on Twitter ;-)
11-16-2011, 04:31 PM
#10
much better dude, nice job!