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  • Publisher: Ian Henry
  • Genre: Arcade
  • Device: iPhone
  • Size: 1.7 MB
  • Version: 1.0
  • Price: $0.99
  • Average User Rating:
    Not enough votes.
App description: Okay, look. The app store is a mysterious place, and no one knows just what will succeed and what won't. It's still young, and there's plenty of room for experimentation. So I'm going to experiment.

Here are four sales pitches for your potential persuasion. I couldn't decide which would work best, so I'm just gonna go with all of them.


PLEASE buy this game. I'm a single* father* working three jobs* and I just don't know how I'm going to sustain my son's rising medical bills.* Seriously, I need the money. Don't think of it as a purchase, think of it as a donation -- I NEED your help, and I come to you now on bended knee. You're the only hope for my child!* Seriously, I don't know what else to say. A thousand times please. I don't know what I'll do without your 99 cents, 59 pence, 79 euro-cents**, or equivalent in weird foreign currency. Don't do it for me. Do it for my child.

* This may or may not be a blatant lie.
** I cannot for the life of me figure out what these are actually called, but that sounds fairly plausible.

The pushy salesman:

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you: you want to buy this game. I know it and you know it, so why don't we just put these formalities out of the way and get to the part where you press purchase? Let's not pretend you aren't already thinking about it. Five. Four. Three. You better do it. Two. Are you ready? Two and a half. Get ready! One! Did you do it? Do it! I don't want to have to tell you again. Get it done. Now! Do it! Press buy!

The manipulative animal rights commercial:

Every year, thousands of tortoises have their blood sugar sucked dry in the marshmallow fields of...somewhere. Blooderflies run rampant. Every day, tortoises perish. But you can help.

For a single one-time payment of however much it says it is in your local currency, YOU can help in preventing Mortimer from reaching the same fate as so many tortoises before him. All proceeds go toward improving the lives of people who make vague and unverifiable claims about improving the lives of tortoises like Mortimer.

The honest sales pitch:

Okay, okay. Enough with the gimmicks. I'm a college student and I made Mortimer Tortoise in my free time as a fun little experiment. I drew all the graphics, did all the coding, and recorded all the sound effects (Shut up. It's a lot harder than it looks). Aren't you curious to see how it turned out? And hey, if you don't like it, you can always write me a really mean review, right? Besides, it's less than a dollar/pound/euro/whatever. What are you gonna do with that money? What's that to you? Nothing. But to me, that's like a week of ramen! Who really needs the money? Do the right thing.

Oh, before I forget, here's a bullet list of features:

-Has an options screen!
-Featuring one entire game mode!
-Stunning graphics presented in FULL 2D!!
-May or may not include an in-game tutorial!
-You can earn ELEVEN different semi-humiliating ranks based on your performance! Or maybe twelve. I don't actually remember. Or is it a surprise?? Wait, it's eleven, I just checked.

The only thing wrong with it? Some people have said that it's TOO fun. So if you don't like awesome tortoise-vs-blooderfly-based almost-exciting gameplay-like experiences, you might want to sit this one out.

On an unrelated note, if you want a chess timer instead, you should buy Touch Move. Just sayin'.


Devilishly Good's comments:
Read the whole description, funny and inventive.

11-27-2009, 01:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: FLA, USA
Posts: 2,598

11-27-2009, 01:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Saratoga, CA, USA
Posts: 11,993
I did. Cute and stupid but still no clue what the game is even about. How do explosions factor into a game all about a tortise trying to eat as much candy as possible?

My favorite line, although not sure why:

-You can earn ELEVEN different semi-humiliating ranks based on your performance! Or maybe twelve. I don't actually remember. Or is it a surprise?? Wait, it's eleven, I just checked.

Tim "Lord Gek" Jordan, Game Consultant
Twitter: LordGek
GameCenter, iTunes: Lord Gek
My iTunes Reviews
11-27-2009, 01:56 PM
Well, definitely different, but it would help if I knew what the game was about, anything, SOMEthing. Even the screenshots provide no clue other than a turtle in a field of I assume marshmallows.......
11-27-2009, 02:06 PM
Joined: May 2009
Location: The Underworld
Posts: 9,230
sent an email to the dev...hopefully they'll join us here

Originally Posted by sizzlakalonji View Post
I don't want to alarm anyone, but I just played this, felt a tingle, rushed to the bathroom, and urinated rainbows and glitter.
Originally Posted by sammysin View Post
Yesss, I'm off for a leak to see if the same happens for me.
11-27-2009, 02:08 PM
Originally Posted by Devilishly Good View Post
sent an email to the dev...hopefully they'll join us here
Oh my he might think we are spammers, I just did too!
12-06-2009, 11:30 PM
Hey guys! Yeah, I just got the email to join y'all. Sorry this is coming so delayed -- most of you have probably forgotten about this by now -- but I had to chime in.

First of all: this game is not very fun.

It was started as a technical experiment when I was first learning iPhone development for a much more ambitious project. To test animations, I created a simple circular figure with four feet and eyes. Over the course of my testing, this figure looked more and more turtle-like, until finally I gave him a name and decided to create a spinoff series. (this may have been inspired by my girlfriend's insistence that he was cute, I don't remember. This was a long time ago)

I lost interest in the project about a week in and shelved it. It simply wasn't a very entertaining game. It consists of the titular tortoise following your finger around in the field eating marshmallows and avoiding "vampire hummingbirds." (Believe it or not, I was not under the influence of any controlled substances during development).

A few months later, I came back to it. I decided, what the hell, I'll just finish it and get it out the door. It won't be very fun, but hey, it'll be cute, right? Some kids might buy it. Someone might like it.

With this mindset, the game became gradually more and more ridiculous. I added the concept of "blood sugar," replaced the hummingbirds with "blooderflies" (easier to draw the animations), and created random easter eggs throughout the game. The options screen, for example -- none of the options (except sound effects) actually do anything. You can tap and tap and tap, but you'll never be able to enable explosions.

Once I was all done, I realized something: this game isn't going to be a hit. It's not a bad game -- it's polished, the graphics and animations are good, all that jazz -- but I'd be lucky to sell more than about 50. The description I had for it ("A tortoise chases your finger. That's it." or something similar) just wasn't very compelling.

So I decided, what the hell? So far I've just had fun with it. I did a bunch of silly things. Why not make the description silly as well? If I can make it funny enough, someone might give me $.99 just for making them laugh, eh? So I did. And that's what you see here. My thought process is "I can't sell this application on its merit alone, so I'll sell it through strength of salesmanship."

However, in this case, it seems that it didn't work for you, and you wanted a "game" or, you know, "fun." Well, I'll be honest -- Mortimer is good for a few minutes, trying to earn the next rank and such, but you're really paying for the fake credits screen and the boisterous tutorial and the silly sound effects. The game itself just isn't that compelling.

I've uploaded a new screenshot in response to this that kind of explains a little more about the game. Hope that helps. In the meantime, here's my summary of the gameplay:

It's kind of like snake. Kind of. You move faster the higher your blood sugar gets, but your blood sugar is steadily dropping, and whenever a blooderfly touches you have a sharp drop. You can tap on yourself to hide in your shell, and while hiding you are invincible. Tap again to get out. Eating marshmallows increases your blood sugar. That's it.

So, I hope this explanation is enough to motivate some of you to get it. Maybe? Eh? You know you want to.
12-07-2009, 07:17 AM
Lmao, i love how you said euro cents, I too dont know what they're called.
12-07-2009, 07:22 AM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,678
Lol!! Omg that was by far, the best app description I've ever read. The best line:

"What are you gonna do with that money? What's that to you? Nothing. But to me, that's like a week of ramen!"

Soooo true lmao.
12-07-2009, 07:26 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 685
Bought - because that is by far the best description I can remember reading and the inventiveness there deserves it IMO