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iPhone: Battle Bears 1.5

12-26-2009, 12:58 AM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 730
Battle Bears 1.5

Oi! What're you doing here?! Get thee over to BATTLE BEARS: NOPZ Swag and Secrets RIGHT NOW! --> link c:

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This post is becoming the virtual equivalent of a pack rats building code violating apartment! While I've got you here, I hear tell that there's a tasty secret on page 17. Get thee there pronto! Posthaste! FORTHWITH!
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BIG NEWS! Ya'll better get your steaming cabooses over to page 15 because I'm about to unhinge your very mind and dwell within it.... with ANNOUNCEMENTS!

(Image below taken directly from our other topic)- http://forums.toucharcade.com/showth...641#post829641

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Battle Bears is participating in a campaign to donate a portion of its proceeds to the Haitian relief fund. From the 18th to the 22nd, 25% of SkyVu's profit will go towards the Haiti Earthquake Relief (http://www.appsforhaiti.org/). Battle Bears is currently the only top app on the list! GALVANIZE! GET MO' APPS UP THERE, NOW!
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The 99 cent Christmas Sale ENDS THIS SUNDAY... I think. I wouldn't joke about this sort of thing unless I was absolutely certain it would be funny. This is no laughing matter.

ALSO, check out the latter pages (I dunno, around 4/5) for some SWEET IPHONE WALLPAPER opportunities. You will not be disappointed with yourself ;D

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Dear everyone,

I hope the holidays treated you right and didn't touch you anywhere that made you uncomfortable because that would ruin MY efforts to make you uncomfortable....



As promised, we have updated the ever loving HOOHAH out of Battle Bears. We weren't exactly successful in getting the word out, but that's what I'm here for ;D

WELL, I should be more specific, we may have gotten the word out, but our vocabulary was very stunted, so to speak. No one really seemed to understand the scope of the update.

You know when you're falling out of a plane, and you pull the ripcord and strings attached to nothing come out? But you keep pulling anyway in the misplaced hope that a parachute will manifest in the nick of time and save you? That feeling. That feeling is nothing like what you would get playing the game now, but it's damn close. Except instead of impending doom, you're subjected to IMMEDIATE JOY.

Here, in graphic telling, is what is new.
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WEAPONS: The amount of weapons have doubledYESdoubled. The new weapons are:

Flamethrower: You axed for it, you got it. Tap the screen once to set ablaze every huggable immediately surrounding your sandbags. Also, I hear it cooks the huge blue ones nicely.
Slingshot: In the true spirit of animal stewardship, Oliver has captured a Jackelope and, using a rubber band, has made a quaint little slingshot out of him. What do you shoot? Magic Poop. What does it do? Makes the bears EXPLODE. I wish I was joking so I wouldn't have to say it so seriously.
Machine Gun: Yet again, all the greedy clamoring for things you can't have yields more results. You wanted one, YOU GOT ONE. Hold your thumb down to unleash offensive amounts of lead into the faces of approaching Huggables.
LAZER BEAM: In a fashion that would offend even the most open minded PeTA member, Oliver utilizes the power of SCIENCE to squeeze a Huggable (held bass ackwards) to promote rear exit blood flow into a prism, producing a concentrated death flavored beam. Simply hold BOTH thumbs down to initiate firing sequence and sweep it across the screen to pop the heads off the Huggables like dandelions.
???: The final stage's weapon is REALLY ????? and everytime you ???? they haul off and ????? but then more are ????? and they won't ??????? BUT YOU CAN'T ?????? and then more of them ????????? but that's why there's a bipartisan party system, so we can avoid this sort of thing.


The Bearbershop Quartet: Whatever these things are, they're taking a break from whatever it is they do to serenade Oliver until he succumbs to a thorough compression of his body between theirs. SFW.
The Bearzerker: a HULKing beast who, in true cliche fashion, possesses a heart the size of which is rivaled only by his rotund form. He has an odd way of showing it, though, if you catch what I'm saying, if you know my drift.
The Marecraft Carrier: Just when you thought it was safe to feel comfortable again, something wicked this way comes... with cow teets.
The Colbear: Truly the most terrifying Godless killing machine to threaten this great nation, The Colbear is simply BIGANDSCARY. PRO TIP, if you can't beat him, just remember "Sen sen no sen". For those of you that AREN'T martial arts bad asses, remember to "Attack the attack".
?????: I wish there was a better way to put this, but everything you've feard, everything that unsettled you as a child and even more so as an adult, EVERYTHING THAT IS THAT YOU WISH WASN'T... well, that's what the final boss is, I'm afraid


In addition to Story Mode, Survival is back ALONG with a BOSS survival mode. For the completion of Boss Survival mode you get NOTHING. C'mon, don't gimme that. It builds character, you get character. Speaking of which...


There are no new characters. AAAHAHAHAHAHAGOTCHA!*

Open Feint

We have introduced achievements via Open Feint. People have this weird tendency to want something for putting work into something else. We don't understand this, but we've accommodated it. UNFORTUNATELY, the achievements are experiencing a sickness that is keeping them from working properly HOWEVER they will be remedied shortly. Apple is doing a weird human thing where they take time off to go visit family for... I dunno, Christmas or something so, whenever that business is out of the way, they'll unfreeze our pending update which we've already submitted.

*footnote: If you want New Characters, PROVE IT! We LOVED and I mean LOVED making Battle Bears for you guys and we were very hard at work crafting a sequel. If you really want new characters, new game play, a greater story, new bosses, new weapons from US, from the minds that brought to life one of the oddest, most amusing games of the year *(your words, not mine)* we need your support. We WANT to make another game, but why would we punch someone in the head who has asked us to stop? That's just plain rude.
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If you have any questions, rants, concerns, inane comments, want to tell me to ???????? myself, please by all means do. We love nothing more than hearing from those that keep us a float DD

Last edited by Lt. Action; 02-05-2010 at 12:00 AM.
12-26-2009, 01:03 AM
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 10,506

12-26-2009, 01:12 AM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 730
And ImNoSuperman with the assist! Nicely played, friend! Now THAT is how you know more about html coding than me

I hope everyone likes what we've created. Really, we need ya'lls support! If this game doesn't pan out, I'm gonna have to find myself a new gig. I was thinking of becoming a Fire Fighter.

Save ME from a life of saving OTHERS. Check out Battle Bears! D

Last edited by Lt. Action; 12-26-2009 at 11:20 AM.
12-26-2009, 01:23 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Location: Poplarville, MS
Posts: 105
Send a message via AIM to RKRigney
How had I missed this game before? It looks ridiculous, but fun

Downloading now

Ryan Rigney - Freelance Writer
12-26-2009, 02:24 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 7,926
Holy shat! That's quite an update

TA gave you all props in their front page story recently.

AKA: rich_952000
I'm active on Twitter concerning all things iOS, PS and Nintendo; Follow me for randomness
@_rIcHrAnDoM_ Love TouchArcade? Hit up their Patreon
12-26-2009, 02:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: Spain
Posts: 592
Originally Posted by rich_952000 View Post
Holy shat! That's quite an update

TA gave you all props in their front page story recently.

I bought the game based on that article and I am loving it, speacially the videos and the humor in all the game
12-26-2009, 11:19 AM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 730
Indeed, Touch Arcade was quiet generous to feature our game on their front page even after the game has been out for so long. Well, the UPDATE is recent but Battle Bears itself is about... Dang, it's almost half a year old D:

Also, to the rest of you that have been reading this but are unsure about whether or not to buy the game, I don't WANT you to spend all of your money and go broke, but Battle Bears is a very fine game that you're NOT buying ;D
12-26-2009, 12:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: On the beach
Posts: 768
I remember spending my last dollar on battle bears, but I had to restore my itouch but two days ago I saw it and redownloaded it, it was worth every cent

12-26-2009, 01:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 689
Nice Update! I'll give your game a download!

Battle Born Music
gamecenter name = battlebornmusic.com
12-26-2009, 05:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 730
The dark ice surrounding the black hole where my heart used to be is slowly melting! <3<3<3 If you guys keep this up, pretty soon the ice will melt away completely, allowing everything in my immediate vicinity to be sucked up into a raging torrent-

-of love <3<3<3<3

It truly is fulfilling to hear that people are GENUINELY enjoying our game! If this is the kind of thing people like, we're taking notes and things are GONNA GET WEIRD, this I promise.

Also, I don't mean to inundate this thread by posting after every other comment but, two things:

#1: I internet love EVERYONE OF YOU for your support and earnest appreciation of what we've made. Call me <3
#2: I totally forgot to mention this- if you haven't already downloaded it, I suggest you do so SOON as the "Christmas Sale" has blown past the titular holiday and will soon return to the $1.99 price tag (it's currently 99 cents! That's, like, LESS THAN ONE HUNDRED PENNIES!)

Happy Christmas Observed, everyone