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What the app store has taught me.

09-17-2010, 09:44 PM
#1
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: FLA, USA
Posts: 2,598
What the app store has taught me.

After owning an iphone 3G for almost 3 years now, the app store and its overabundance of thrilling time-wasters hasn’t only depleted my college savings; it’s taught me some valuable lessons and techniques that I will undoubtedly utilize as I mature into a fine young man. I’d like to share some with you today in hopes that you too can learn something from “the store that empties your wallet”. In no particular order, let’s begin:
I have learned (how to):

• Strategies for breeding and exploiting colorful frogs (‘cause ya know, everyone’s into that now a days).

• Reach outer space via an onslaught of random plummeting objects.

• Destroy green swine with your collection of irked birds and an oversized slingshot.

• Exploit ten, count it, ten, fictional masters of ball-dropping (lol) to erase all orange circles off the face of the planet. MWAHAHAHA!!!

• Transfer small spheres to a fellow feline using only the power of ARROWS! (boo-yah!)

• Swing from decrepit cave walls to escape a carnivorous dark spirit (come on! Don’t tell me you dont own a grappling hook!)

• Conquer an invasion of single-colored, revenge-seeking quadrilaterals. (It’s a daily thing for me…)

• Direct fast-moving aircraft obviously flown by color-blind, directionally challenged pilots to their corresponding runways. (And when two come to a devastating crash, simply enjoy brewing coffee, a hot stewardess and just give it another go!)

• Fling colorful balls of happiness into swirling vectors of success!

• Impress my mother and become a master of slicing fruit (a necessary skill to perfect).

• Maneuver a jet-powered racecar through a series of cumbersome cubes looming serenely in the stratosphere (an educated guess).

• Shoot down an assortment of enemy aircraft. (The catch: the 3rd dimension has mysteriously disappeared…)

• Kill enemies such as the devastating “noodle cup” with duo directional pads (only to realize it will respawn unharmed.)

• Discover beacons of rainbow squigglies after triumphing over cubic landscapes. (Oh, btw, you’re a square…)

• Explore and discover secrets regarding ominous landscapes of puzzles and enigmas while traveling via screenshots.

• Attempt to blow-up numerical spheres only to come to the conclusion that the situation worsens with every attempt.

• OBJECT! (‘nuff said.)

• Use weapons of mass destruction to meanly (is that word?) pop every single innocent red ball in sight to selfishly rack up points. (What did those red balls ever do to you!?!)

• Master the trade of balancing simple and emotionally and physically unstable shapes on top of each other to reach new heights.

• Use your godly directional powers (once again) to rescue non-wanting-to-be-infected humans from the loitering un-dead.

• Wrap wooden objects with rope…(Wait, why is this useful again…?)

• Do weird things with this blue orb thing to like absorb other red orb things… kinda?



Hope you guys had a laugh or two reading this quirky essay that I threw together in an hour! And devs, keep up the great works providing awesome titles for idevice lovers!

Last edited by starmonkey101; 09-17-2010 at 09:54 PM.
09-17-2010, 10:50 PM
#2
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 3,013
Jump up platforms as a funky doodly thing

I'm what you could call a "casual" mobile gamer.

09-17-2010, 11:18 PM
#3
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: the next whiskey bar
Posts: 5,549
I don't recognize like half of them D: which ones are they all
09-18-2010, 01:10 AM
#4
Joined: Apr 2010
Location: Germany & Tokyo
Posts: 1,101
Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey101 View Post
• Wrap wooden objects with rope…(Wait, why is this useful again…?)
It´s useful to better wrap up human (pref. female) objects in rope.


so,
the things the appstore thaught me is

- be careful with impulse buying
- always check the lite version / game video first
- be patient

TouchArcade Patreon - GameCenter: dyscoder -
09-18-2010, 02:05 AM
#5
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 525
Great thread! I, personally, have learned to:

1. Outrun an avalanche through a mountainous region using only a hammer and a rope.

2. Prepare a smoothie in the most epic way known to mankind.

3. Traverse 1000 feet below the ground to find a gigantic app icon.

4. Invest in real-estate in a city entirely built from flat tiles.

5. Reduce incoming UFO's to dust with an omnidirectional flame thrower while flying at extremely high altitudes.

6. Use highly flammable chemicals in a room full of mysteriously useless walls to destroy color-coded mummies.

7. Construct a geometric security system involving traps which suck up the internal organs of defeated foes.

8. Command an armada of triangular ships in galactic warfare.

9. Hit someone in the correct place to cause the most damage possible to his body as he tumbles down stairs.

10. Discover my destiny as a shape-shifting knight in an alternate universe.

11. Survive when the red dot apocalypse strikes.

12. Identify Grog.

13. Swap jewels again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...

We could turn this into a game, where we need to guess where the lessons came from.

Last edited by csklimowski; 09-18-2010 at 02:19 AM.
09-18-2010, 05:39 AM
#6
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 704
Quote:
Originally Posted by csklimowski View Post
Great thread!

...

We could turn this into a game, where we need to guess where the lessons came from.
Agreed entirely.
Here's my list but I won't be able to make it as good as you guyses.

Dash across a vast (playing) field to reach a nuclear bomb, only to have it explode as soon as I touch it, eradicating the vicinity of anything red.

Find a road that goes for 50+ km in a dead straight line, then drive along it at insanely fast speeds doing front flips and wheelies.

Run between trees

Hunt turkeys, even when someone else has already beat me to it. (skele-turkey)

Throw a badger out of a window

Leak rainbows while cross-country skiing insanely fast

Help rabbits to avoid being eaten by foxes, by way of intercourse (bunny breeder, great simple line draw game)

Swallow a pill that is three times the size of the spaceship I am piloting

Throw paper balls into trash cans. In nine different countries.

Destroy various unfriendly critters - by pointing a torch at them.

Dodge falling sea life

Mess with the laws of gravity

JUST!

Survive in the emergency of a zombie/mummy/vampire/demon apocalypse If my legs are jammed on top speed

Tell the difference between a cart full of onions and a sweetcorn.

Chase a wheel
09-18-2010, 06:53 AM
#7
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 704
Quote:
  • Strategies for breeding and exploiting colorful frogs (‘cause ya know, everyone’s into that now a days). Pocket frogs?
• Reach outer space via an onslaught of random plummeting objects. the incident

• Destroy green swine with your collection of irked birds and an oversized slingshot. angry birds

• Exploit ten, count it, ten, fictional masters of ball-dropping (lol) to erase all orange circles off the face of the planet. MWAHAHAHA!!! idk

• Transfer small spheres to a fellow feline using only the power of ARROWS! (boo-yah!) idk

• Swing from decrepit cave walls to escape a carnivorous dark spirit (come on! Don’t tell me you dont own a grappling hook!) hook champ

• Conquer an invasion of single-colored, revenge-seeking quadrilaterals. (It’s a daily thing for me…) fastar?

• Direct fast-moving aircraft obviously flown by color-blind, directionally challenged pilots to their corresponding runways. (And when two come to a devastating crash, simply enjoy brewing coffee, a hot stewardess and just give it another go!) flight control

• Fling colorful balls of happiness into swirling vectors of success! idk

• Impress my mother and become a master of slicing fruit (a necessary skill to perfect). fruit ninja

• Maneuver a jet-powered racecar through a series of cumbersome cubes looming serenely in the stratosphere (an educated guess). jcs

• Shoot down an assortment of enemy aircraft. (The catch: the 3rd dimension has mysteriously disappeared…) 1951

• Kill enemies such as the devastating “noodle cup” with duo directional pads (only to realize it will respawn unharmed.) idk

• Discover beacons of rainbow squigglies after triumphing over cubic landscapes. (Oh, btw, you’re a square…) idk

• Explore and discover secrets regarding ominous landscapes of puzzles and enigmas while traveling via screenshots. idk, but i guess its a point and click

• Attempt to blow-up numerical spheres only to come to the conclusion that the situation worsens with every attempt. orbital

• OBJECT! (‘nuff said.) phoenix wright

• Use weapons of mass destruction to meanly (is that word?) pop every single innocent red ball in sight to selfishly rack up points. (What did those red balls ever do to you!?!) ttl

• Master the trade of balancing simple and emotionally and physically unstable shapes on top of each other to reach new heights. topple

• Use your godly directional powers (once again) to rescue non-wanting-to-be-infected humans from the loitering un-dead. zombie escape

• Wrap wooden objects with rope…(Wait, why is this useful again…?) zen bound

• Do weird things with this blue orb thing to like absorb other red orb things… kinda? idk

1. Outrun an avalanche through a mountainous region using only a hammer and a rope. sqh

2. Prepare a smoothie in the most epic way known to mankind. idk

3. Traverse 1000 feet below the ground to find a gigantic app icon. idk

4. Invest in real-estate in a city entirely built from flat tiles. idk

5. Reduce incoming UFO's to dust with an omnidirectional flame thrower while flying at extremely high altitudes.

6. Use highly flammable chemicals in a room full of mysteriously useless walls to destroy color-coded mummies.

7. Construct a geometric security system involving traps which suck up the internal organs of defeated foes. idk last 3

8. Command an armada of triangular ships in galactic warfare.galcon

9. Hit someone in the correct place to cause the most damage possible to his body as he tumbles down stairs.stair dismount

10. Discover my destiny as a shape-shifting knight in an alternate universe.idk

11. Survive when the red dot apocalypse strikes.ttl

12. Identify Grog.idk

13. Swap jewels again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...bejewelled
.
here are my guesses it is all in white in case someone else wants to work it out themselves, but half of my answers are 'idk' anyway.
09-18-2010, 04:26 PM
#8
Joined: Feb 2010
Location: Swansea, UK
Posts: 8,376
Nice essay monkey!

Invaders Must Die.
09-18-2010, 09:24 PM
#9
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 125
What the app store has taught me: People will buy ANYTHING.

Yeah, I said it: Your Tower Defense/Stick Figure/Block game sucks.
09-18-2010, 10:03 PM
#10
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: FLA, USA
Posts: 2,598
Quote:
Originally Posted by sammysin View Post
Nice essay monkey!
thanks