Tell a Joke Thread! (No dirty jokes please)

03-01-2013, 08:33 PM
#1
Joined: Feb 2011
Location: Scarlett Johansson's Hot Tub
Posts: 5,046
Tell a Joke Thread! (No dirty jokes please)

Hi guys, here's a thread to share some jokes you have read and heard. I'll start off!

Quote:
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days later before the group is about to leave, Jim's wife tells Jim that he can't go.

Jim's mates are very upset, but are unable to do anything. Two days later, the three mates get to the camping site only to find Jim sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathering, and dinner cooking on the fire.

The three were very surprised to see him there. "Shit Jim, how long have you been here? How did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

To which Jim replied: "Well I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up from behing me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?'.

I pulled her hands off to see her wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom which had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. She then said 'Do whatever you want!'

So, here I am!"
03-01-2013, 08:56 PM
#2
[Inappropriate]

Last edited by Red1; 03-01-2013 at 10:19 PM.

03-01-2013, 09:56 PM
#3
LOL! Good joke, Kenny. Before I post some, do they have to be clean?
03-01-2013, 10:14 PM
#4
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Look out your window.
Posts: 5,795
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's Morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husbandtexts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wifetexts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.
03-01-2013, 10:15 PM
#5
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Look out your window.
Posts: 5,795
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
03-01-2013, 10:21 PM
#6
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Look out your window.
Posts: 5,795
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
03-01-2013, 10:38 PM
#7
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Look out your window.
Posts: 5,795
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonborn99 View Post
i have heard that one before!!! lol
brings back old memories of me searching the best joke in the world lamfao
is that what you did? lol!
I have a shit ton of jokes in my iPod notes accumulated over a period of time, I'll be distributing them throught this thread.

That's a no
03-01-2013, 11:34 PM
#8
Joined: Jan 2012
Location: The rainbow-fuelled nightmare of my mind
Posts: 2,751
What happened to the unicylcing elephant?

•••Spoiler:  He crushed 3 kids. He had to be put down
03-02-2013, 06:03 AM
#9
Joined: Nov 2011
Location: Look out your window.
Posts: 5,795
True story.
03-02-2013, 03:26 PM
#10
Joined: Feb 2011
Location: Scarlett Johansson's Hot Tub
Posts: 5,046
We dislike Julia Gillard here in Australia...

Quote:
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said: "I am President Obama, the Chosen One. The Worlds needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said: "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the United States Army." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-president George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year old schoolgirl: "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said: "That's okay, Mr. Bush. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."